By now you've taken all the tests - Which Care Bear Are You? What Taste Are You? What Terminal Illness Are You? What's That Thing in Your Pants? But this test isn't like all of those crappy tests. This is the Ultimate Test to determine what kind of human being you are. It's comprehensive, it's complete, it's scientific and best of all, it's fun!

Answer the following questions as honestly as possible:

1. At parties, I most prefer to:
Dance and socialize with strangers.
Be introduced to strangers by the host.
Stand along the wall and watch.
Bartend.
Stay home, never attending said party.

2. In romantic relationships, I prefer to:
Initiate physical contact.
Wait for physical contact to be initiated.
Avoid physical contact.
Work with my partner to establish progressive physical boundaries.
I don't get involved in romantic relationships.

3. If you were likely to walk out of the house without one article of clothing, which of the following is the most likely one for you to forget:
Coat
Watch
Necklace/Rings/Jewelry
Tie
Pants

4. When confronted by a tough moral decision, which are you most likely to do:
Think of what someone you admire would do in the situation.
Make a decision based on doing the most good for the most people.
Make a decision based on doing the most good for yourself.
Make a decision based on doing the most good for others in lieu of yourself.
Make a decision based on A = A.

5. By your estimation, what is the best song from ABBA Gold (Greatest Hits)?
Take a Chance on Me
Waterloo
Lay All Your Love on Me
Dancing Queen
Knowing Me, Knowing You

6. If you were a monkey at the zoo, which of the following monkeys would you most likely be:
The perky monkey who entertains the crowd.
The cautious monkey who eyes humans with mistrust.
The oblivious monkey who doesn't seem to notice he or she is being watched.
The excited monkey who seems to be playing with his or her genitals.
The dirty monkey who flings poo.

7. Which of the following phrases makes the least sense to you:
It's better to have a bird in the hand than two in the bush.
Lippy, lipey or a pipey sinking.
The hammeysing always gets the worm.
Clambering is the corrugation of the innocent.
Waste not, want not.

8. As a child you were most likely to be found:
Reading books.
Playing with toys.
Toying with plays.
Tormented by bees.
Being grown in a vat.

9. If you were the evil Master of a Sadomasochistic Theatre Troupe, how would you and your evil midget apprentice prefer to torture the female white slaves:
Using them as dartboards.
Keeping them starved and locked in a cage, making them an excellent way to dispose of bodies.
Using them as tables/footstools/other furniture.
On-stage mutilations and dismemberment.
Dental Hijinks.

10. What's the best way for someone to weasel their way into your pants:
Food.
Gifts.
Charm.
Cash.
Dental Hijinks.

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