Master Ninja researches horrible fatherhood...

    Father's Day is just around the corner, and perhaps you find yourself struggling to find the good things about your dad. We at Master Ninja are here to help you - as bad as your dad might be, he's not as bad as the fathers we've seperated out for this list. These are the Five Worst Fathers of All Time, and you're going to help us determine who the worst of them was with the handy survey we've provided below.

    The list of the all-time worst fathers was compiled by our experts, so you might agree or disagree with who's on the list, but Science has proven they all belong there. We've left out a few other likely candidates for reasons of bias. Jehovah, for instance, sent his only son to Earth to suffer and die. Still, Jehovah's actions are, by nature, mysterious and divine, so we've decided he's not a good candidate for the list. Abraham, who nearly killed his son and Jehovah's request, was similarly left out because of the continual involvement of the mysteriously murderous Jehovah. Also, Christian hate mail is fun most of the time, but not all of the time. "Those people" have a real problem with God comedy.

    Here's how to participate. First, read each of the briefs below on the Five Worst Fathers of All Time. Then place your vote for who you think is the absolute worst. By Father's Day, we should have the results.

The Five Worst Fathers of All Time

    Marvin Gaye, Sr. - This one's an easy one. The poster boy for filicide, Marvin Gaye is an easy target for any "Worst Fathers" list. Marvin Gaye, Jr. - who taught us all about "Sexual Healing" and "terrible drug-induced depression" - made constant threats of suicide to his family. On April Fool's Day, 1984, Marvin Gaye, Sr. decided to help Marvin Jr. along, shooting his son Marvin a day before Marvin Jr.'s 45th birthday. The story goes that the father shot his son twice in the chest with a gun the son bought for him. Irony!

    Ivan IV of Russia - Called "Ivan the Terrible" by his own people, you could easily guess Ivan wasn't the best guy around the homestead, either. One day in 1581, when Ivan was unhappy with his daughter-in-law's dress, he began by insulting her. But he grew more and more angry, and found her dress so unacceptable that he hit her repeatedly. Ivan's son - conveniently named Ivan - interfered on behalf of his wife, who was seven months pregnant. Ivan IV turned his fury to his son, beating him with his staff until he was dead. As a result of the violence to his daughter-in-law, she lost the baby. Ivan was a bad father and a bad grandfather, so that might be worth double-points!

    Darth Vader - Although he turns on his evil master in the end, Anakin Skywalker was never a very good father. When his wife was pregnant, he used the Dark Side of the Force to choke the bitch out, leaving his children orphaned. Later, when he learned his son's whereabouts, he cut off Luke's right hand, then revealed to Luke that he was, indeed, his father. Simple logic dictates that you should reveal this fact before cutting off your child's hand. He then demands that Luke continue the family business (Sith Lording) much to Luke's dismay. If Vader had an ounce of "good father" in him, he'd have delivered the news to Luke a lot more gently.

    Titus Andronicus - Let's face it - you haven't read Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus. Few people have. You may have seen one of the movie versions, but I bet it still doesn't make much sense to you. I'm not going to try an analyze it here, suffice to say that the father character, Titus, isn't the best dad on the block. When one of his sons defies him and protects his sister (Titus' daughter) Lavinia, Titus kills his son (Mutius). But filicide itself isn't the sure path to being the Worst Father of All Time. So, in order to seal the deal, when Lavinia is raped and mutilated (her hands are cut off and her tongue is cut out), Titus kills his daughter (to "end her shame and suffering") in front of his pie-eating guests, Tamora and Saturninus. He explains to Tamora that her sons, Chiron and Demetrius, raped his daughter. "And, by the way, they're in the pie." Titus Andronicus is truly a fucked-up play, not only for featuring filicide and cannibalism, but also for defiling the sanctity of pie.

    King Laius - Everyone's heard of Oedipus and his suffering, but few people realize that it's all the fault of his dad, King Laius. It all began when King Laius decided to rape his male student, Chryssipus, thus becoming one of the founders of ancient pederasty. Hera, wife of Zeus, was upset by this and sent the Sphinx to deal with the Thebans. (The Sphinx sat outside Thebes and asked all travellers a riddle, strangling those who could not answer.) Hera also forbid Laius from having children. Hera probably realized he wouldn't make a good father. But Laius still married Jocasta, got drunk and forced himself on her. When he learned Jocasta was pregnant, he went to the Oracle and found out that his son would kill him and marry Jocasta. Laius wasn't keen on that, so he left his son Oedipus out in the woods. Inevitably, some folks found Oedipus and rasied him - what did Laius think would happen? Oedipus did eventually kill Laius and marry Jocasta. When this was discovered, Oedipus gouged out his own eyes and Jocasta hung herself. King Laius's parenting was so bad that it killed his son and his wife.

    So now the cases have been presented, and it is time for you to decide - Who is the Worst Father of All Time?

Please Note: If you have already voted, voting again will change your vote.

If you wish to simply see the results, click here.